I’ve heroically roused myself from a post-Red Sox collapse funk for the express purpose of imparting my not-inconsiderable football wisdom unto you, dear reader. Enjoy.
Buffalo at Cincinnati
guardian.co.uk
Although noted ginger Andy Dalton has been better than expected for Cincy, the Bengals are just bad. And, unfortunately for Patriots fans such as myself, the Bills appear determined to play competent football for the first time in over a decade.
Carolina at Chicago
I’m not quite sold on Cam Newton yet, and there’s a distinct possibility Brian Urlacher knocks him into next year if he runs as much as he has been in the first three games. And if Jimmy Clausen takes the field for the Panthers at any point, the score might hit Madden-on-rookie-mode levels by the end of that quarter.
New Orleans at Jacksonville
The Saints are noted for their crazy blitz packages. Blaine Gabbert, while having the distinctly positive quality of not being Luke McCown, is still an inexperienced rookie. Even Roman Harper isn’t worried about getting burned this week.
Minnesota at Kansas City
I suppose one team has to win this game. And while the Vikings have proven to be remarkably, hilariously adept at blowing large halftime leads, the fact that their star running back has two functioning knees is what tips this game in their favor.
Washington at St. Louis
The Redskins are probably better, but the Rams have the oft-insurmountable advantage of playing at home against Rex Grossman.
San Francisco at Philadelphia
Despite the fact that the Eagles have maybe one entire NFL-quality linebacker, I think they bounce back this weekend against one of the interchangeably terrible NFC West teams. On another note, I have the 10:30 mark of the second quarter in the Mike Vick injury pool.
Tennessee at Cleveland
Chris Johnson can’t keep being this terrible … right?
Detroit at Dallas
Ndamokung Suh may break the rest of Tony Romo’s ribs this weekend.
Pittsburgh at Houston
The Texans finally seem poised to make good on the potential everyone always says they have, and the Steelers almost lost to the Manning-less Colts last week.
New York Giants at Arizona
Eli Manning will have trouble duplicating last weekend’s success against teams whose secondaries do that tackling thing I’ve heard so much about, but the Cardinals give him as good a chance to repeat his success as any team will for the rest of the season.
Atlanta at Seattle
The Falcons have been underwhelming so far this year, but they have a quarterback who can consistently throw the ball in the general vicinity of his receivers — a claim the Seahawks can’t make.
Denver at Green Bay
I’m hoping Tim Tebow follows up last week’s injury-induced cameo at wide receiver with an appearance as a tight end and realizes that his destiny is to become the most famous and polarizing third string tight end in the NFL.
Miami at San Diego
Reggie Bush plus San Diego special teams equals serious upset potential, as long as Chad Henne continues the recent trend of throwing the ball to dudes on his team.
New England at Oakland
The Patriots’ defense has been remarkably awful for the past year or so. But if Albert Haynesworth plays and refrains from stomping on anyone’s face, the Pats should be able to stop the run enough to force the Raiders to throw the ball, which probably won’t end well for them.
New York Jets at Baltimore
So what I’m saying is I think Ed Reed intercepts Mark Sanchez more than Darrelle Revis intercepts Joe Flacco.
Indianapolis at Tampa Bay
Highly-placed NFL sources tell me that Bucs defensive players have spent the whole week perfecting their blocking technique so they don’t get called for too many holds when trying to run back Curtis Painter interceptions for touchdowns.
– Lawson Ferguson